Things parents say: "Why can’t you be more like… ?"

A very bad case of greener grass and what (not) to do about it.

One of the main goals of The Kid is to provide parents with a rich arsenal of techniques that help them improve their relationships with their children. But in general, what we initially have at our disposal isn’t exactly an abundance of methods. That’s only normal.

Over the years, it seems, we’ve pinpointed a few things that supposedly work and achieve a desired effect, but without thinking of how we get there or what the consequences are. Up until now, it was clear: we’ll use some threats of consequences here, some manipulation there, we’ll lie to them if we have to, and we’ll offer incentives and rewards, also known as bribes. When all else fails, hey, we’ll straight up resort to good old spanking (or worse), as 60% of people around the world apparently still find it quite acceptable. 

But before that, we’ll try doing one more thing: we’ll compare them to others. This is of course another form of manipulation, meant to inject compliance into your child’s heart and soul and break them, but not always and exclusively. We could resort to it out of a feeling of powerlessness – we’ve tried everything else and we simply don’t know what else to do.

Right, back to it.

No matter why we do it, comparing that is, the result is always the same: this unbearable weight, where your closest, dearest people prefer the kids next door to you and want you to be someone else. It stays with you. Oh boy, does it stay. 

I don’t remember much from my childhood. Not many memories of my dad, too. He’s fine, he was just never around much back then. But when he was, he never had any idea what the hell he was doing as a parent. And yes, I know it sounds like the usual mandatory caveat, but I really don’t blame him. He just didn’t know – it doesn’t make him a bad guy, just an ignorant one. So in his limited knowledge, he would often compare me to others. 

It’s not a good thing for a kid to hear. 

“Look at your friend over there, he’s not running around, is he?”

“I wish you’d listen to me like your sister does.”

“God, I wish you were good at math like your cousins.”

Results? I still hate math with a passion, I will not listen and I will disagree with people just out of spite, and no one ever died from some kids running down a hallway. On the absolute contrary: kids have a PHYSICAL NEED to run. It is an impulse that cannot be controlled, it is the call of the wild, what makes the kitten stalk mama cat and the thing that drives the fawn to stand up for the first time – it’s how they gain control of their bodies. We will talk at length about age-appropriate behavior and why we must learn to recognize it and, if it comes up, endure it, for their sake. 

So all this comparing, looking back now, was for nothing.

It never worked. It’s never going to work. The only thing it achieves is telling your child you prefer someone else, and just imagine that in a different context: “Why can’t you be more like your sexy coworker with the high heels?” or “Why can’t you work out and get abs like your brother John?” or “I wish you had hair like other men” or “Look at that woman there, I wish you could look like this.” What would the consequences be to comments of this sort? An argument? Divorce? A freshly-dug hole in the desert?

Why comparing your child does not work – and why it’s such a bad practice

Where do I even start? From the feelings of inferiority it entails, to the ever-present, haunting sensation of never being good enough for their parents’ love, comparisons are a devastating thing for children to experience. 

When we do it to our kids, we’re saying we don’t really like them all that much, so if they could be so kind as to correct their attitude and personality so as to be more like the other kids, that would be great. You see, those kids over there never have episodes, they never make a mess, they always listen to their parents like the good little automatons they are, and they definitely never, ever act out of order. They’ve got a secure grasp on their emotions, they’re perfectly upstanding little citizens and are aware of all societal norms. Why aren’t you like that? What’s wrong with you?

We’ve been tricked to believe that it’s acceptable (maybe even favorable?) to compare between our own two or more children and think we are promoting some sort of healthy competition. But there’s always someone being compared, and someone being compared to. The former is always the loser, while the latter becomes, in the loser’s eyes, at least, an object of resentment (the poor thing has other demons to fight though). And as parents, it’s really not our job to be putting our kids in any of these positions.

It’s a very bad case of greener grass. But no child deserves to hear that they’re not good enough for their own parents. That love is undeserved when you’re not at your best. It doesn’t matter what it is – wild kids’ play, emotional breakdowns, being disorganized, throwing slices of pizza at the wall – it’s all the same punishment. The child is excluded from the inner circle, cast out from the garden.

But kids don’t just need to be fed and clothed and kept warm – love and affection is a basic human requirement for growing into a healthy adult. Children need to be accepted not for who they might be, but for who they are right now. Not because they may be successful one day, but at all times – successful or not. Love is not some dumb reward to be earned – it’s to be given freely. But when it’s out of reach and paywalled, kids will do just about anything to get it. They’ll lie and cheat their way back into the sanctum and will begin to see all human contact in this way.

That love is earned by achievement will be the model for all future relationships – they will both demand and offer it. The same goes for a child that is overly praised or paraded as a golden duck, by the way – because love and affection is a business transaction, they’ll do whatever it takes to stay in favor, to stay on top, not just with parents, but with their loved ones, their colleagues and bosses, and virtually every other acquaintance in life.

Probably worse than that, it’s once again a case of living somebody else’s life. Why do such kids do anything, why do they struggle to achieve anything? To earn the love of their parents. To conform to their ideals. To make them happy. To give them fulfillment. At the risk of exaggerating, this is a life of slavery, and kids will never be truly free until they begin living for themselves. Children are not our extensions. They aren’t around to make us happy or fulfill us, they are not here to give us meaning, although there’s nothing bad in that – we just shouldn’t expect them to live for it like it’s their mission in life. They owe us nothing in their first years, the way we see it, but we owe them everything. 

The realization that they’ve lived their parents’ lives, according to their rules and wishes, can happen at any point: during the teen years, in their mid-twenties or mid-thirties, perhaps much later, perhaps even never. So the earlier we realize how absolutely fundamental this is, the faster we can give them this freedom. To help them become masters of their own little universe.

A life on their terms

Comparing our children to others (or to ourselves) will destroy their self-esteem by making them feel inferior in what they do. There will always be someone out there who’s better at everything and who their loved ones look towards as an ideal that they should strive for. 

But ideals are often unreachable. At some point, if the comparisons continue, they’ll stop trying altogether. Why try if it can’t be done?

Don’t get me wrong here: there IS and always will be someone who’s better, no doubt, but that’s not the point. It’s that we need to teach our children to not draw comparisons to others and live with a the idea that they’re always falling behind someone. They’re not, we’re not, you’re not. It’s your life and no one’s keeping score of how far you make it. There’s no race to the top, because there is no top – only varying magnitudes of success and achievement, each perfectly sound for the achiever. There is only one person you should compare yourself to and that person is you. Are you happy with where you are now? No? Move to wherever you find peace. Happy in your new place? Fine. Stay where you are. But only try to move yourself through space and time according to your own standards and what you want, not because someone else is further ahead.

As found in the philosophy of Alfred Adler, beautifully summarized in “The Courage to be Disliked” by Ichiro Kishimi and Fumitake Koga:

We should focus on moving ourselves forward productively instead of comparing ourselves to others. The notion of competition only creates a tense mindset, making the world appear threatening, and preventing us from experiencing genuine happiness and offering sincere blessings to others.

I don’t know what the hell life is, but I know it’s not a competition. It’s whatever you make it, but there’s no prize at the end, that’s for sure. Kids need to know this and it’s in our power to give them this worldview. It won’t make them unsuccessful or unmotivated or lacking in skill, they will simply move on their own plane without participating in the rat race of always wanting and acquiring more, more, and more. This way of thinking makes accomplishments sweet, success brings satisfaction and fills the void of always wanting to jump higher just for the sake of it, and you learn to be perfectly happy right where you are. Wouldn’t that be a wonderful life, if only we could help our kids achieve it?

Sometimes all it takes is doing nothing, but telling your kids you love them. Just as they are. 

Thank you for reading!